Losing It!

Like a Rock, Strong as I could be, Like a Rock, Nothing ever got to me, Like a rock...

This is kind of an odd entry, but when I opened this blog to do an entry I felt like screaming! I wish with all of my heart that I was a "rock" kinda woman. You know the type...strong and steadfast in times of trouble, never faltering from the stance of everything-will-be-fine-dom. The type of woman who, when you look at them, they seem to have it all together and can handle the problems they have in their lives with decorum and grace. Well that ain't me folks! As much as I try to be classy and sophisticated, I fail A LOT to be what my heart wants my mind to be.

Leahness has had a couple of major seizures in the last few days. I did not witness either of them, but knowing they happened makes me want to check myself into a psychiatric hospital. No, literally. I feel like I am a hairline fracture away from cracking...and the harder I try to hide it, the thinner the fracture gets. I want with all of my heart to be strong but yet a soft place to land for my little girl. When I try, she pushes me away...I honestly can't explain to you the pain associated with it all.

I stayed home with her, nurturing her to the best of my abilities for the first 6 years of her life. She was the picture of perfect physical health that whole time. Her tantrums became something I learned to take as a part of her. She and I had our ways of dealing with things; understandings, procedures, a wacky kinda schedule that suited us well enough. THEN THIS HAPPENS! I HAVE to work to keep above water financially, especially in these times. I am able to work because my mom helps out with watching her after she gets off of school. But in all honesty, at this point, feeling like an near failure as a mother, I'm ready to just forget it all and stay home to home school her for a few years. We would ultimately lose our house, but when the poop hits the fan as a parent, is it then worth it? What sacrifices can I...should I be making for my daughter. I brought her into this world, it wasn't her decision. God has given me stewardship over her for only a short time. Am I using that time wisely enough. Am I giving her all she needs to be an incredible adult? Especially with the challenges she has ahead of her now that she has Epilepsy. Shouldn't I be there for her MORE NOW?

I am very depressed about all of this and wish I'd snap out of it. I have so much to be thankful for and have prayed to God to help me see it all through my dark hours today. I want this illness to vanish, I want to understand why God has given this to us, I want so badly to just be her mom again instead of the working, struggling, whining, over-extended mess that I've become. I'm so tired. "You're being selfish", I keep hearing in my head. After all it isn't happening to me! I'm not the one having seizures; although it feels like I'm going through one with her when she is staring off into space so very far away from me, yet still physically there.

I guess my pity party is coming to an end. I just needed to get a little off my chest. Conversations about Leahness always end with me being frustrated at the people or person I'm talking to. They think they have an answer or can sympathize because they have an ADD/ADHD kid, which is a little off subject. I'm not really one of those kind of people who like the company of the miserable...it only makes me more miserable and feel even more hopeless. On top of all that, I feel sorry for them and their situation with their child. Everyone thinks they understand and tries to give me advice. Some people help, others only upset me further (although I try not to let them know, after all they are only trying to help right?). It is a lot like when my dad died, which is odd to say, but it feels a lot like the way people looked at me and talked to me. I really don't like those looks... she's not dead, she's not mentally retarded, she's not going to die. People try to be nice, but at some point you want them to stop being nice and move on. It's the great paradox of human kindness. Like that Bette Midler song, "Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it's gonna rain today...". Is there really such a thing as caring too much? At the same time, I think I'd be frustrated if no one asked me how she's doing too.

I still need to upload those Easter pictures. There are some good ones. I loved her in her dress. She is really quite an amazing creature.